i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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