His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
