Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
