I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
