His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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