I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
