Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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