I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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