Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
