You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
