im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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