Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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