I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
