Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
