Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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