I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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