They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
