Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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