Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
