girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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