if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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