I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
