Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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