The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I checked into jail on foursquare
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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