Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
