It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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