im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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