She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
