We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
