So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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