I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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