You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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