I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
