i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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