hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
