Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
