My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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