Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize