I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
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She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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