Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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