I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
