what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just high enough for therapy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
