it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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