nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
