Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
