left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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