Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
