OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
