bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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