How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They took my balls.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
