The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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