I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
