wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
