No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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