I'm really into asian looking animals
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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