i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
