ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
