I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
