Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
